Cheetos are commonly considered a junk food.

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Here are some tips on how NOT to lose weight. By drawing your attention to those quirky things the voices in our head say to us, maybe this can help you unlock a more logical approach to losing weight.

Only eat when people aren’t watching. If no one sees it then the calories don’t count!

It’s OK to eat junk food if your partner or friend is also doing so. This neutralises the calories. You can actually consume negative calories if you persuade them to have more than you.

You can eat as much junk food as you can as long as you also order a diet cola.

The best way to lose weight is not through exercise, but by chilling out in a sauna, or wearing those plastic sauna suits. You sweat out the fat, which is why you have solid lumps of lard on your skin later. The water you sweat out, of course, won’t dehydrate you and be replaced when you next drink.

As long as you stick the food in between 2 pieces of bread then it is healthy. All sandwiches are good for you, no matter what they have in them.

If food is free or already paid for then it contains no calories.

If you don’t at first succeed, then give up. You were made this way and it’s impossible to change.

The normal laws of physics don’t apply with weight loss. You can eat less calories than you burn but still put on weight – it’s not your fault!

Skip meals and instead graze on sweets, chocolates and other snacks. You can then tell everyone that you barely eat but still can’t lose weight. They will then feel sorry for you and the weight will fly off!

Give yourself small portions then go back for second helpings. Only the calories from the first portion count!

Join a gym but never go. As long as you are paying for it you will benefit from the exercise.

Say to yourself that you will begin your new regime ‘soon’. You can always find a good reason why it’s not ‘now’. Usually you are either too busy and stressed, or are relaxing and want to enjoy yourself.

Blame your metabolism or genetics – there’s nothing you can do about it, right?

If you do manage to lose some weight, you can now relax and go back to your former habits. Job done right?!

Sorry to make light of the situation (excuse the pun) but hopefully this guide will help open your eyes for the future. Us humans use surprisingly little logic when it comes to making decisions in our own lives. Perhaps you recognise some of these thought processes if you are completely honest with yourself? Don’t worry, you are only human! Now that you have been alerted, you can be mindful to avoid them. Laugh at them instead of following them, and do what you know is right. We are funny creatures sometimes!

Jon Rhodes is a popular clinical hypnotherapist from the UK, and owner of HypnoBusters.com. After a background in music and mental health rehabilitation, Jon trained to be a clinical hypnotherapist at the London College Of Clinical Hypnotherapy in 2003. He has since created a thriving practice, both online and offline.

Jon has produced a powerful weight loss hypnosis audio programme, called Gastric Band Hypnosis. This programme comes with 4 audio sessions, plus 2 bonus sessions, plus an e book. This programme aids weight loss by convincing the subconscious mind that you have experienced actual gastric band surgery. Please follow this link for more information: www.gastricbandhypnotherapy.net

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